Alcoholics Anonymous^® are a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other in order to solve their common problem and help other alcoholics to recover.

• The only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. AA does not charge dues or fees; we support ourselves through our own contributions.
• AA is not associated with any sect, religious or political denomination, organization or establishment; it does not wish to engage in any controversy; it does not endorse or contest any cause.
• Our primary goal is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics become sober.

Copyright © by AA Grapevine, Inc.
Translated and reproduced with permission.
Original title
Is There an Alcoholic in Your Life?
Copyright © 2017
by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Mailing address:
Box 459, Grand Central Station
New York, NY 10163, USA
www.aa.org

AA's Message of Hope

If a loved one has a drinking problem, this booklet will give you information about a simple recovery program. It has helped more than two million people who drink too much to live enjoyable and productive lives without resorting to alcohol.

For more than eighty years, Alcoholics Anonymous has successfully helped men and women from all walks of life. Before joining A.A., most of them had tried on their own to control their drinking; only after many unsuccessful attempts did they have to admit their powerlessness over alcohol. At first, they could not imagine life without drinking; they certainly did not want to admit that they were alcoholics. But with the help of A.A. members, they learned that they did not have to drink. They discovered that not only was life without alcohol possible, but that it could bring happiness and deep satisfaction.

Those close to an alcoholic are often the ones who have the most difficulty seeing and accepting that their loved one may be an alcoholic. It seems impossible to them. To avoid seeing the seriousness of the problem, they try, for a time, to believe the alcoholic's promises. But the repetition of broken promises and the increasing difficulties eventually force those living with the alcoholic to face the truth.

They then begin to desperately search for a solution. Deep discouragement sets in as they realize that all their love and effort have been spent in vain. If you have been in this situation, do not despair; spouses, parents, companions, and friends of AA members have experienced similar despair before seeing their loved ones finally freed from the obsession with drinking.    

This booklet will provide you with answers to questions that many people have asked before and after the alcoholic in their life joined AA. In the following pages, you will learn what to do and what not to do if a drinker refuses to admit that he has a drinking problem or refuses to even talk about it. If he has already joined AA, the following information will help you understand the AA way of life.

Perhaps the best concise definition of AA is that of this short "Preamble" which is usually read at the beginning of every AA meeting:

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other with the aim of solving their common problem and helping other alcoholics to recover.

The desire to stop drinking is the only requirement for becoming a member of AA. 

AA requires no dues or entrance fees; we support ourselves through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, or political party, organization, or institution; it does not wish to engage in any controversy; it neither endorses nor opposes any cause.

Our primary goal is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics become sober.  

Understanding your problem

Through AA, more than two million men and women have stopped drinking. This number includes people of all classes and ages, from teenagers to octogenarians. It is clear from a membership census that AA has been able to help women, men, young and old, rich and poor, highly educated and uneducated.

This publication, like all AA books and pamphlets, is not based on theory but on experience; the many experiences of those who are close to alcoholics, of those who know what it is like to live with them. If they could talk to you, they would say, “We know what you are facing. We know how disconcerting it can be to live with a problem drinker, to see a close, loving relationship deteriorate into irrational anger and conflict, to see a family life completely disrupted, to see much-needed money spent on alcohol and alcohol-related hospital bills, and to see children growing up in an abnormal and unpredictable home environment. We all know, too, that if your loved one recognizes that he or she has a problem and sincerely wants to stop drinking, there is a solution that has worked for others—and can work for him or her as well.”

Despite all the problems alcohol may have caused, you may refuse to admit that a loved one is an alcoholic. A problem drinker, yes, but not an alcoholic. The unpleasant connotations of the word may turn you off. Even if the alcoholic admits to being one, you may be in denial. Many people reacted this way until they realized that alcoholism is a disease that is officially recognized as such by modern medicine. At first, those close to an alcoholic may have believed that they were somehow responsible for his condition. No one knows how or why someone becomes an alcoholic, but relationships with other adults apparently have little effect on the severity or progression of the disease. Alcoholism, like all chronic diseases, is the exclusive property of the human being unfortunate enough to have contracted it. No one, lay or scientific, has been able to isolate its cause. 

Alcoholic can recover

An alcoholic is a sick person suffering from an illness for which there is no known cure, that is, none that would allow him to drink normally, like any non-alcoholic, for a long period of time. Because alcoholism is a disease, a physical dependence coupled with a mental obsession, the person affected must learn to abstain completely from alcohol in order to live a normal life.

Alcoholism is fundamentally a health problem—a physical and emotional disorder—that has nothing to do with lack of willpower or moral weakness. It is as useless to blame an alcoholic for his disease as it would be to tell a diabetic that a lack of willpower is the cause of his diabetes. Nor can alcoholism be considered a vice.

Alcoholism comes in many forms. Some AA members drink uncontrollably from their first drink. For others, the progression to total helplessness over alcohol takes place over a period of years. Still others manage to abstain for long periods, interspersed with disastrous and uncontrolled binges. These are called "periodics."

There seems to be one thing that all alcoholics have in common: over time, their drinking increases. There is no evidence that an alcoholic ever becomes a normal occasional drinker again. You are not just a "little bit of an alcoholic." Because the disease progresses in phases, some alcoholics have more acute symptoms than others. But once the line is crossed, the alcoholic can never become normal again.

What can you do?

Now that AA has helped more than two million people achieve sobriety, you may feel eager to "do something" for the alcoholic you love. You may want to start teaching him that alcoholism is a disease, urging him to read AA literature, and sending him to one of their meetings as soon as possible.

This approach sometimes works. Many drinkers call AA, go to an initial meeting, and quit drinking altogether after reading AA literature. But usually most alcoholics are neither motivated nor ready to go to AA at the suggestion of a loved one. The drinking habit is deeply ingrained, and the compulsion to drink often creates a strong resistance to any kind of help in the alcoholic. Admitting that one is an alcoholic, no matter how undeniable and simple it may be, implies that one must commit to doing something about it. And the alcoholic may not be ready to take that step. Part of the disease is the alcoholic's belief that he must drink to cope with life. In his confused mind, the need to drink is a matter of life and death.

When to intervene?

It is not easy to recognize when an alcoholic is "ripe" for AA. Not all alcoholics reach the same level of physical and mental decay before they decide to seek help. Generally, an alcoholic can fall into one of four groups:

1. These people may appear to be just heavy drinkers. They may drink every day, sometimes less often, and may get drunk only occasionally. They spend too much money on drinking, and although they will never admit it, their mental and physical abilities are slowly beginning to decline. Their behavior is sometimes embarrassing; yet they will still insist that they can control alcohol very well and that drinking is necessary for their job. They would probably be greatly insulted to be called alcoholics. At this point, they may be caught up in the line between a social drinker and an alcoholic. Some may be able to cut down or even stop drinking altogether. Others cross the line, lose more and more control over alcohol, and become alcoholics.
2. At this stage, drinkers lose control over alcohol and begin to worry about it. Unable to abstain from drinking even when they want to, they frequently lose their minds when they drink and will even readily admit it the next day, while being convinced that "it will be different next time."
   They may then exercise some "control methods": drinking exclusively wine or beer, drinking only on weekends or at a specific time of day or evening, or inventing a formula for spacing out their drinks. They may have a "therapeutic" drink in the morning to calm down. After a serious binge, they feel remorse and want to stop. However, as soon as they are in better physical condition, they begin to believe that they will be able to drink sensibly next time. They may still be able to meet their responsibilities at work or at home. They cannot believe that their drinking could gradually increase and that as a result they risk losing their family, their job, or the affection of others. In the meantime, they say they wish they could stop drinking. Those who have been in AA for a while would say of them, "They wish they could stop."
3. These drinkers have passed the second stage. They have lost friends, cannot hold down a job, and all their intimate relationships are deteriorating. They may have already consulted doctors and made the painful rounds of hospitals and "detoxification cures." They are perfectly aware that they cannot drink normally, but why is beyond their understanding. Honestly, they want to stop drinking, but they cannot. No one seems able to help them stay sober. All these fruitless efforts to find sobriety make them more and more desperate. Usually, they have already had some form of counseling. They may have followed a special diet or vitamin therapy. And they may have gotten better for a short time, but soon the downward spiral continues. They lose all interest in constructive social relationships, in the world around them, and sometimes even in life. The only emotion they display with any consistency is self-pity.
4. At this late stage, drinkers may seem hopeless. They have been through the treatment centers by now. These people are often violent and when they have drunk, they seem crazy or completely out of touch with reality. Even after leaving a hospital, they will find a way to have a drink. They may have alcoholic hallucinations, delirium tremens (DT). Doctors may then advise you to commit the drinker. Perhaps you have already done so. There are many signs that suggest that he is a "hopeless" case. But in AA, experience has shown that no matter how bad the alcoholic is, few are hopeless, provided they want to recover.

Anyone who loves an alcoholic finds these reactions and escapes hard to swallow. But the reality is that no one can force the AA program on anyone. However, if your loved one is reluctant to seek help, there are steps you can take to help him or her recover.

You can gain a good understanding of the AA program so that you can be in the best possible position to help when it is ready. You can get information by calling or writing AA or Al-Anon Family Groups (addresses are listed on page 21 of this booklet). In many places, relatives of AA members (and those who may need AA help) meet regularly to share experiences and exchange views on alcoholism. They are part of a fellowship known as Al-Anon Family Groups. Alateen, for teenagers who have alcoholic parents, is also part of these groups. Al-Anon is not affiliated with AA, but it has been instrumental in making its program of recovery more widely known. It believes that alcoholism is a family disease and that changes in attitude can help in recovery.*

* "This is Al-Anon", a booklet written and distributed by Family Groups, Al-Anon.

Long experience in AA has taught us the importance of discretion and patience in encouraging the alcoholic to begin the process of recovery. If your enthusiasm for recommending AA to the alcoholic is extinguished by his or her refusal to even discuss it, you may feel discouraged and resentful. Sometimes the turmoil caused by the alcoholic or the bad influence he or she has on your children may cause you to leave him or her, leaving him or her to deal with his or her problem alone. With no other refuge than AA, the alcoholic may likely seek help sooner than he or she would have if you had remained. Sometimes it is necessary to be momentarily cruel in order to be more generous later.

The alcoholic may outwardly rebel against the idea of AA, although deep down he is about to accept your support and encouragement and decide to join or at least hear what other recovered alcoholics have to say about the program. At this point, the alcoholic is usually perplexed. He knows that action must be taken in the face of his disease, but he is unable to assess the situation clearly on his own. Alcoholics often have preconceived ideas about AA and its members. That is why your knowledge of Alcoholics Anonymous can be extremely important during this critical time. You will be able to answer questions, make suggestions, and correct false assumptions.

Who attends AA meetings?

There are more than 120,000 AA groups worldwide. Members usually belong to a group that meets in their neighborhood, but all members are free to attend any meeting anywhere. Most groups meet at least once a week. There are "closed" groups (for members and newcomers only) and "open" groups (where family and friends are welcome). At these meetings, members share their experiences with alcohol before they joined AA and then explain how AA principles led them to sobriety and a new outlook. Long-time members strive to help each other and newcomers with their deep understanding of the program. Meetings are informal, and during the friendly conversation over coffee, the diversity of the Fellowship is best appreciated.

Alcoholics who are not familiar with AA may feel that AA is a place for down-and-out bums, and therefore AA is not for them. The facts are quite different.

Doctors may then advise you to commit the drinker to a hospital. Perhaps you have already done so. There are many signs that suggest that he is a "hopeless" case. But in AA, experience has shown that no matter how bad the alcoholic is, few are hopeless alcoholics, provided they want to recover.

Anyone who loves an alcoholic finds these reactions and escapes hard to swallow. But the reality is that no one can force the AA program on anyone. However, if your loved one is reluctant to seek help, there are steps you can take to help him or her recover.

You can gain a good understanding of the AA program so that you can be in the best possible position to help when it is ready. You can get information by calling or writing AA or Al-Anon Family Groups (addresses are listed on page 21 of this booklet). In many places, relatives of AA members (and those who may need AA help) meet regularly to share experiences and exchange views on alcoholism. They are part of a fellowship known as Al-Anon Family Groups. Alateen, for teenagers who have alcoholic parents, is also part of these groups. Al-Anon is not affiliated with AA, but it has been instrumental in making its program of recovery more widely known. It believes that alcoholism is a family disease and that changes in attitude can help in recovery.*

* “This is Al-Anon,” a booklet written and distributed by Family Groups, Al-Anon.

Long experience in AA has taught us the importance of discretion and patience in encouraging the alcoholic to begin the process of recovery. If your enthusiasm for recommending AA to the alcoholic is extinguished by his refusal to even discuss it, you may feel discouraged and resentful. Sometimes the turmoil caused by the alcoholic or the bad influence he has on the children may cause you to leave him, leaving him alone to deal with his problem. With no other refuge than AA, the alcoholic may likely seek

The belief that AA is full of bums is partly true, very little of it. There are indeed men and women in AA who have come from the worst backgrounds and who have found a sense of responsibility because they are sober. But AA members generally represent all walks of life. They include educators, professionals, business executives, and others with little or no education. AA's founders, a stockbroker and a doctor, were both alcoholics. Alcoholism has no respect for intelligence, talent, education, or social status; it can attack a nurse as well as a priest, an actor, or a writer.

Not a religious organization

The alcoholic in your life may be under the impression that AA is an evangelical movement that is very much about religion and preaching. Again, the truth is quite different.

AA has been defined as being fundamentally spiritually oriented. It does not, to be sure, provide material assistance as a welfare service would. However, AA is certainly not a religious organization. It does not require its members to adhere to a religion, perform religious rituals, or even believe in God. Members belong to many different religious denominations. Some belong to none at all. AA asks only that newcomers be open-minded and respectful of the beliefs of others.

AA also maintains that alcoholism is, to some degree, the result of a certain
spiritual disorder as well as being a physical and emotional illness. Because most alcoholics have been unable to control their destiny, they find it effective therapy to turn it over to a Power greater than themselves. Many members call it "God." Others attribute this Power upon which they can rely to the AA group. In AA, the word "spiritual" can mean anything you want to give it. Clearly, there is a certain spirit of fellowship in all AA meetings!

The Twelve Steps of AA

Part of the recovery program suggested by AA is the Twelve Steps listed on the following page. These Steps, based on the experience of early AA members, are the result of the principles and practices they developed to maintain their sobriety (many other methods having failed). If the alcoholic in your life balks at the idea of having to adopt a formal code of conduct, you can reassure him. Each member uses the Steps in his own way. They are suggested as a program of recovery. Although experience shows that many AA members experience comfort in sobriety to the extent that they understand and accept the Steps, no one is required to accept them or even read them. It is up to each individual to decide when and how to use them.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted that we were powerless against alcohol, that we had lost control of our lives. 
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him 
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 
9. We have made direct amends to these people wherever possible, except where doing so would cause harm to them or others.
10. We continued our personal inventory and promptly admitted our mistakes as soon as we realized them.
11. We have sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we conceive Him, asking Him only to know His will for us and to give us the strength to carry it out.
12. Having experienced a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we then tried to convey this message to other alcoholics and to put these principles into practice in all areas of our lives.

How AA Works

It must be emphasized that the only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking, nothing more. AA requires no personal pledges or commitments of any kind. When they were drinking, many AA members made many oaths, solemn promises, often to the point of total abstinence. It never lasted long. AA's approach is more pragmatic. It is based on the probability that all alcoholics, at one time or another, have gone twenty-four hours without alcohol at least once. AA members do not swear to give up alcohol for life or for an indefinite period of time. They know that today they can do nothing about the drink they might want tomorrow. AAs focus on staying sober today, for the present twenty-four hours. When tomorrow comes, they will take care of it.

Since regular meeting attendance is essential to maintaining sobriety, loved ones of alcoholics may wonder where they fit into the recovery program. Some attend open meetings. This gives them an opportunity to share with the alcoholic as he or she returns to normal life. They also learn how others live with an alcoholic who is sober. The Al-Anon meetings we discussed earlier also provide an opportunity to meet and discuss your problems with others in the same situation.

Most people, when they attend meetings or talk with AA members, are often surprised to hear them laugh so easily; they are impressed by the atmosphere of good humor and warm camaraderie they exude. This is typical of AA. Members generally take their alcoholism seriously, but they do not take themselves seriously. Being able to laugh at experiences that once brought so many tears is part of the recovery process.

Recovery is slow

What can you expect when a loved one joins AA after years of heavy drinking?

When they first come to AA, not all drinkers quit drinking and find peaceful, satisfying sobriety with the same ease or speed. Some have to be hospitalized, and during their convalescence they are still shaky and unsure of themselves. Others, unaccustomed to facing their problems head-on, may feel for a time overwhelmed by responsibility. A few are overwhelmed by feelings of remorse and depression. Still others may become very tense and difficult to live with, at least for a while.

Alcoholism can be controlled, but almost always lesser problems persist. Alcoholics, in their excitement about a new life, may forget the sacrifices their loved ones made while they were drinking. They may become so immersed in AA meetings and Twelfth Step activities that they have no time for you. Some, taking advantage of their newfound health, will redouble their efforts at work. Others will want to return to school, to pursue career goals long neglected.

This new enthusiasm for AA, work, or school will often seem just as self-centered as the drinking did. In AA, this period, when enthusiasm for the Fellowship is so intense that it overwhelms everything else, is called the “pink cloud period.” It passes, eventually. Although sober, the alcoholic still suffers from the same disease and cannot be expected to completely change his erratic behavior overnight. Some habits of thought have probably become ingrained. But over time, most alcoholics achieve a better balance. The AA program is designed not as an escape from reality but as a bridge to a normal life.

During their periods of intoxication, many alcoholics have compounded their problems by adding tranquilizers, sedatives, marijuana, or other drugs to the alcohol. They may cling to medications and drugs even after they have stopped drinking. It is also wise to encourage the alcoholic to see a physician who is familiar with the unique problems of recovering alcoholics. Taking medications or stopping their use without proper clinical supervision can be dangerous, and in either case, the alcoholic may return to his or her first drink. (The booklet “The AA Member and Medication and Other Drugs” discusses this issue thoroughly.)

When alcoholics become sober, they sometimes amaze those around them with the importance they attach to their new spiritual awakening. They may lack balance in this regard. This situation usually does not last too long and soon changes, giving way to a healthy and satisfying spiritual life.

Your own alcohol consumption

If you drink moderately, you may wonder whether it's okay to continue to have an occasional drink or whether it's safe to keep alcohol in the house now that the alcoholic in your life is no longer drinking. Would it be better to abstain from drinking altogether? Should you continue to offer it to guests?

It may be wise to use a little discretion if the sight and smell of alcohol upsets your newly sober alcoholic. You may avoid, whenever possible, the company of people you used to drink with, cocktails, and bar patrons. But in the final analysis, the responsibility for his abstinence rests with the alcoholic. His own attitude toward his drinking problem is now the most important factor in his recovery. It is for his own sake and for his own sake alone that he should stop drinking and remain sober.

About “relapses”

Most people who seek help from AA are able to stay sober without much difficulty. Others have a harder time understanding and accepting the AA program. They forget too quickly what it means to be an alcoholic. As soon as they regain physical health and regain control of their lives, they may drift away from the program, either physically, by failing to attend meetings, or mentally, by forgetting the principles of the AA way of life. Such people are prone to relapse. They may drink again, which can be discouraging and very distressing to loved ones, and it can bring back feelings of fear and helplessness. But AA members know from experience that such relapses will not necessarily recur in the future. If the alcoholic can honestly recall his or her thinking and behavior prior to a relapse, another one can often be avoided. A relapse, ultimately, can serve as a beneficial lesson to alcoholics who believe themselves to be "cured" of alcoholism simply because they haven't had a drink in a while.

Overconfidence and unrealistic thinking sometimes lead to relapse. Judgment becomes clouded, and some alcoholics begin to believe that they can now control drinking. They may attend meetings less and begin to criticize their group members, forgetting the AA tradition that the principles of its program are always placed above the personalities of its members. Or the alcoholic may have forgotten to take it one day at a time.

Three of the frequently used slogans in AA are of vital importance: “First Things First,” “Live and Let Live,” and “Make It Easy.” These are important reminders to help the alcoholic abstain from drinking, one day at a time, and to work toward open-mindedness and serenity.

How to help ?

Whether you are the husband, wife, partner, parent, or child of a drinker, your understanding of alcoholism can be vital to the alcoholic's ability to become and stay sober. In AA, hope has always been the central theme.

Many members who were once considered hopeless have now been sober for a very long time. This booklet draws on their experiences and those of their loved ones. We hope it will remind you never to despair. Remember, too, that you can help greatly if you know about the disease and AA, and are willing to put the program into practice in your daily life.

You will not be alone. The hope and good wishes of over two million sober alcoholics are with you at all times.

THE TWELVE TRADITIONS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on AA unity. 
2. In the pursuit of our common goal, there is only one ultimate authority: a loving God as He can manifest Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are only trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. 
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole. 
5. Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.
6. A group should never endorse or fund other organizations, whether related or unrelated to AA, or lend them the name Alcoholics Anonymous, lest concerns about money, property, or prestige distract us from our primary purpose. 
7. All groups should be fully self-supporting and refuse outside contributions. 
8. Alcoholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 
9. As a Fellowship, Alcoholics Anonymous should never have a formal structure, but we can form boards or service committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Alcoholics Anonymous does not express opinions on outside issues; therefore, the name AA should never be involved in public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

DECLARATION OF UNITY
Because we are responsible for
the future of AA, we must: place our
common well-being first and foremost and preserve
the unity of the AA association, because of this
unity depends on our lives and those of others
members to come.

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